BUSH ADMINISTRATION 2: THEY'D EVEN PUT A HAPPY FACE ON "THE SCREAM"

by Thomas Brennan

Ending months of nerve-wracking speculation in The Art World, Edvard Munch's world-famous depiction of Modern Angst "The Scream," brazenly stolen from an Oslo Museum in August of 2004, has turned up to the relief but confusion of Art Experts everywhere.

Propped up on a special easel, "The Scream" was unanimously approved and sworn in as the new director of the Environmental Protection Agency for the Bush Administration's second term. Seldom has a nominee been so overwhelmingly approved by both Democrats and Republicans, and, interestingly, nobody seems to know why.

"God knows we've had a lot of stiff, well, frankly, wooden types nominated for posts in various administrations," declared Senator Richard Lugar (R-IL), "but this guy, even though he's a little oily and doesn't say much, has an impeccable record since 1893, which I believe is his date of birth. We've done a thorough background check and he is clean as a hound's tooth."

Scott McClellan, Press Secretary for President Bush, followed up with a statement read to the media.

"Of course, it's been the President's wish to see an all-inclusive administration in terms of people of color, and, let's face it, Mr. Munch's "The Scream" is, if anything, a person of color.

"Not only that," McClellan continued, reading from his notes, "but with his mouth wide open in a joyous shout, he clearly represents the reaction we all will have when Democracy is in place in Iraq. Just look at that guy--he's screaming with joy! He looks like one of our all-American football fans getting Super Bowl fever!"

How, "The Scream" found its way to America and into the highest circles of government is a subject rife with speculation in the nation's capital, but with a figure of such fame and cachet being brought aboard, many Republicans see "Scree," as he is now commonly known, as the key to shoring up teetering public support for the current Administration.

Even embattled Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was moved to opine, "A lot of you media folk have pigeon-holed me as a xenophobe--like that word? Well, the fact is, I'm a worldly guy and I can get along with anybody. And after just a couple of hours with Scree, we reached immediate concensus. He is foreign, yes, but he's as American as you or I, by God!"

Rumsfeld chuckled slightly, again warming up the press in his own inimitable way.

"By the way, they say he has a big mouth," he continued. "No, sirree. He keeps his own counsel and chooses his words carefully."

With Republican affirmation unanimous in describing the charismatic power of Scree, pundits of all stripes are equally impressed, as are Democrats.

"Y'know," said Senator John Kerry, who himself was the Democrats' choice for presidential candidate in the 2004 election, "Teresa and I not only love Art but collect Art, and to see an individual of Scree's accomplishments, background, and world recognition be selected to the delicate task of heading up the EPA can only be heartening to all of us, regardless of party!

Who would think that Fox News Channel's best-known pundit, Bill O'Reilly, and Senator John Kerry would ever agree on anything? But, that is the latest wrinkle in this saga of Art and Politics making most agreeable bedfellows.

"Yup," said a smiling O'Reilly, "he's already booked for the show, and I'm really looking forward to it. In fact, we're heading over to Elaine's after the taping. Did you know that Scree is a big Woody Allen fan?"

O'Reilly's enthusiasm is infectious.

"Yeah, I asked Scree if he's ever been to New York City," he continued, "and it turns out his one wish in The Big Apple is to see Woody play clarinet live. We got this fantastic orthotic easel worked out, and we're propping him up right next to the stage. I tell ya, Woody's gonna love him. This guy's got charisma to burn."

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Thomas Brennan is a Santa Monica, California, resident and co-owner of Tom Brennan Media, a media placement firm based in Santa Monica.