"Kobe Is A Uniter," Lakers Owner Declares, "Not A Divider!"

Tempers and ill-will are running high in the once-happy kingdom of Lakerland, as photo analysts have revealed what many in attendance at Rudy Tomjanovich's farewell press conference suspected. Which is that the now former head coach at his press conference on February 2nd was struck in the back with a "drugged dart of some kind" and, captured on film, was seen to slump forward and fall noisily asleep.

The most dramatic part is that the action of Rudy T. slumping groggily forward came at that moment in the press conference when he was asked, "Did Kobe Bryant have anything to do with your resignation?

Adding insult to mystery in Lakerland, Mr. Buss, carefully adjusting his peach melba/silver tinted hair weave, then strode to the podium with an announcement still resonating through the overpriced seats of the NBA's arenas.

"Gentlemen and ladies," Mr. Buss began, "what Rudy was about to say, and with great respect, is...That Kobe is...undoubtedly the man who should be coach of this Lakers team. That is why I take this time to concur with Rudy, and now name Kobe Bryant as Head Coach of the Los Angeles Lakers in perpetuity.

As Buss continued things only got stranger in that quirky Hollywood way. "I, personally, as the Lakers owner, have seen what makes Kobe stand out. He is a Uniter, not a Divider! He believes in compassionate conservatism with the basketball, and that means conserving the ball for himself and not passing it around to others who don't know what to do with it."

"Kobe is also a patriot," Buss added. "He deliberately kept the truth about Karl Malone hidden, saying that Malone hit on his wife. The truth is that Kobe had discovered that Malone had not completed his duty in the Army Reserves and confronted Malone with it. Not only that, Kobe has correctly identified an 'Axis of Evil' in the NBA by telling Boulder Police that Shaq is a rogue NBA state onto himself. Kobe has also identified Karl Malone and Gary Payton as being other rogue NBA states. We will stand with Kobe as he alone tries to impose Democracy in the NBA."

Muttering in disbelief, reporters hoisted their hands quickly with a barrage of questions, but Mr. Buss was ushered out by a snarling Jack Nicholson and an augmented group of white-coated "concerned Lakers staff." Unavailable for comment, Kobe Bryant and his people did not respond to calls from innumerable international newswires.

But former coach Phil Jackson, reached at his wigwam in the middle of his plush magenta-carpeted living room in his 16 million dollar townhouse on New York's Upper East Side, had this to say.

"The beginning of a firewalk only requires a few coals," Jackson intoned, eyes peering owlishly from above his carefully perched Oliver Peoples frames, "and though I have what is called a 'good address' here in Manhattan, it is only as good as the spirit that breathes in the wood and the stone that Earth Mother has given it."

Meanwhile, Rudy T.'s whereabouts are still undisclosed, and NBA Commissioner David Stern had this to say in a statement released to this bureau: "The NBA product and name brand only grows stronger as America's favorite athlete, and a young man of unimpeachable morals and teamwork, ascends to the position of Head Coach of our flagship franchise. God Speed, Kobe!"

Thomas Brennan is a Santa Monica, California, resident and co-owner of Tom Brennan Media, a media placement firm based in Santa Monica.

DRAMA HEIGHTENS IN LAKER LAND