WORK IS HARD ENOUGH, WITHOUT HAVING TO "VURK" AS WELL!

by Thomas Brennan

Fellow Californians and esteemed citizens of both the Golden State and America, we are in trouble. I saw it with my own eyes, but--like Kevin McCarthy in the original "Invasion of the Body Snatchers," trying to explain to his fellow townspeople what he's seen--not that many people are concerned yet. Or, maybe not that many are even aware of what is among us.

The other day, I watched a political commerical that scared me to the bone. It's a commerical of a guy actually running for California's top political post, and pronouncing the name of this state "KALEEF-FORN-EE-YAH."

Yes, "KALEEF-FORN-EE-YAH!"

But that's not even the bad part. At least three times in the commercial, he told us that we'd have to "VURK," and that he would "VURK," and that he'd even get the politicians to "VURK!"

Now, I am a mild-mannered guy. I'm peaceful and I tend to be tolerant of the New or the Unusual, whether in the realm of Music, Movies, Art, Trends, Social Movements, and even cuisine.

But I'll tell you where I draw the line, and I'm sure many of you agree with me. I don't "VURK" for anyone. And just like you guys, no one is going to get me to "VURK!"

I was born in the United States of America where, like many of you, I am compelled to earn a living so I can afford rent and the daily necessities. What I do when I earn my living is a little thing people around here like to call "Work."

If you start eroding the foundation of our country, namely "The Work Ethic," and attempt to replace that foundation with this strange edict to all of a sudden drop everything you are doing so that you can start to "VURK," you are getting on the fighting side of me and many of my fellow Americans.

We work, baby; and nobody--no matter where they are from and no matter how much money they have in their bank account--is going to get us to stop working and all of a sudden start to "VURK." There is no way. We simply don't have the time.

In the first place, since none of us are familiar with this gutteral and vile-sounding verb, we can't even begin to imagine what debased thing this "VURK" is. This "candidate" did not even offer an explanation as to what "VURK" is, what form it takes, or how to recognize it.

Since this "candidate" failed to, I've run this verb by several linguistic scholars and they all nodded in mute distaste. "VURK," the consensus says, is just a plain ugly word.

"VURK," said one scholar, "is clearly not the kind of suggestion that you'd like to hear from anyone. Especially not someone who is spending your tax money. In fact, on our list of words that people cannot stomach for more than four seconds, 'VURK' is at the Number One spot. I assure you, no one is strong enough to listen to "VURK" for four full years without going completely insane. In fact, no professor in our case studies on the word "VURK" actually was able to say this word, without being struck by the person that they were saying it to!"

"But why?" I asked. "Does this word have a double meaning or something?"

"No," she responded, "it's just the sound. The ugly, ugly sound itself smacks of arrogance and colonialism and all those other things that many of us have put behind us as ideals or ways of life. You know how Ashton Kutcher says 'SU-WEET' and makes the word 'sweet' sound really appealing and well-formed?"

"Yes."

"Well, this is the exact opposite of that."

I think that she had a good point. In fact, she added that the continued impact of this kind of ugly, gutteral sound could have a deleterious effect upon the populace.

"It's a known fact," she continued, "that people tend to get angry when repeatedly told to 'VURK,' 'VURK,' 'VURK!'"

"Well," I asked,"what is this 'VURK' and why would it make people angry?"

She couldn't answer. She told me it was just too awful to reveal. Besides, she reminded me, this was being written for a family newspaper.

So, let this serve as a warning. Many of you may not think this is such a big thing, but let's put it this way: How many times have you gone to someone else's country and told them that they were going to eat "Sewer-Kraut," and that you were going to eat "Sewer-Kraut," and then all of the politicians there were going to eat "Sewer-Kraut?" Probably not very often. And if you did so, wouldn't the citizens there think of you as an uncaring outsider without sufficient respect to even learn one simple word?

And if you were a body-builder uttering this word, wouldn't they all think: Well, if you're so strong and can lift a big barbell, why can't you lift a little old consonant?

So, to paraphrase a very wise patriotic hit of a few years back, when this "candidate" tells you again how you and he are going to "VURK," "VURK," "VURK," tell him to take his "VURK" and shove it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go look at the atlas and find out where "KALEEF-FORN-EE- YAH" is!

* * * Thomas Brennan is a Santa Monica resident and co-owner of Tom Brennan Media, a media placement firm based in Santa Monica.

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